January 1st – Asian Pub

The Artist Formerly Known As Ian (or TAFKAI for those of you into abbreviations [Thanks Tuche]) and I jump in cab. The cab drive is pretty inconsequential as we talk about football bets (Bet Alabama) until we arrive at Cooper Sq. This is when the cab driver in cab 18HN decides to be a prick. He doesn’t pull over right away then pulls the “I need cash my credit card machine isn’t working” routine. This is bullshit as the thing is working. As I begin to argue I realize the guy hasn’t shut off his meter. I tell the guy to turn off the meter to which he replies to scream at the top of his lungs in Hindi. Cute. Cute enough for me to dial 311.

Normally I am against using bureaucracy. It is a pain since it involves the two things I least want to deal with on my weekends, waiting in digital lines and digital controlled menus. However my good friend screaming in Hindi pushed me to my limit. When he realizes what I am doing and that I wrote his cab number down, he stops ranting and suddenly the credit card machine works. Too late, I throw the guy exact change and leave as he screams about tipping being courteous. So is not being a lying prick. And if you are going to be a lying prick at least be funny about it.

We get into Asian Pub at 12:25 AM. I order my go to Gin and Tonic. Of course my stripper song, “Billie Jean” starts playing and I start dancing with the hostess Elina who is apparently from Russia.

Sena arrives at 1:07 AM and Elina and Sena grab my notebook. Apparently this is not as dorky as I first thought. I order a Black Prince as Elina does the first guest writing of the Book of 2010.

Happy New Year! With love from Russia!!! and Elina

(Elina’s Signature)

At this point, I would like explain something I will do pretty much every single time I go out. Now Billie Jean is my go to stripper song but Africa by Toto is my drunk bar request song. Africa is the perfect bar “scream at the top of your lungs off key” song. The lyrics are slammed together sloppily to begin with. There are some great “just scream a couple of words” lyrics for those who don’t know the song intimately like the pros. Also there is a flute solo which is concluded by the second best line in the song “HURRY BOY SHE IS WAITING THERE FOR YOU”. Africa is a song you simply can get way too excited for and still seem cool in your own mind. People will laugh with you or if they truly are cool, get far too excited too.

Now Agent XI and I always trying to make bartenders and djs to play this musical masterpiece. The key is persistence. Borrow, Bargain, Beg, Compliment, Threaten bad behavior, whatever it takes we are going to hear Africa. In case the bartender or DJ somehow suck and don’t have Africa on their playlist, Agent XI has the song on his iPhone. We use Elina to convince the rest of the staff that we should be given carte blanche in order to get the place rocking.

Agent XI plugs in his iPod as I order a Black Prince. The music starts playing. At this point Agent XI and I start getting overly excited. This is key. If you do this right off the start people will feed off your energy and get overly excited too. I don’t think it really matters what is happening. Someday I may try a “Parliament is in session” excitement chant. Music starts blaring, and destiny is ours or so we thought.

As Africa is raining down on us and we get the crowded bar singing, Boring Jen is standing outside the bar. One of Agent XI’s friends, Boring Jen should have realized his text only policy to avoid awkward situations as the tragedy that is about to occur. During the flute solo, Boring Jen calls. This shuts off the song. WHAT?!? I suddenly realized that Luke Wilson is a lying cash whore. Naturally the entire bar starts booing. I mean it was a flute solo ruined. Being the kindly gentlemen I am, I start a Boring Jen sucks chant as she wait for Agent XI to come find her. The chant dies down when I get distracted by my Black Prince as Sena spills on herself. In her embarrassment Sena grabs the notebook and starts playing Secretary, well not the way I would have preferred to play Secretary.

Ricardo says he’s WASTED!

Secretaries Run the Office!

Bad Decisions are being made in the Village tonight

- Sena

Now I order my third Black Prince (a delightful Guinness/brandy mix) when I made one too many secretary jokes and Sena storms out. Of course she just did this to have a piss with me. She texts laughing at my reaction.

Night is over as I grab a cab with an awesome driver. Tip him well and start my trek up the five stories to my apartment. I consider my first night out in 2010 a success.