January 2nd – Gin Mill

Agent XI calls me early in the evening to tell me he is tapping out tonight. So I call my friend Rob. Rob is easily one of the best people to go drinking with mostly because there is zero chance anyone will fight me when I am out with Rob. Rob is about 6′3″ maybe 250 lbs of pure muscle. He makes pro wrestlers seem small. He may be even larger than that but if I elaborate you may realize my homoerotic whiffleball based crush on him or my love 90s WWF wrestling. Both are too severely embarrassing to go into this early in the year.

Rob and I decide to meet up at the Gin Mill which is easily one of the best bars in the city. In fact everything I have gone to at this point is on my top ten bars list. Hell probably in my top five. Gin Mill is fairly cheap, full of interesting people, has cherry wheat on tap, has every sports package imaginable, and has beer pong in the back.

I get there before Rob does and order myself a pitcher of Cherry Wheat. As I wait for Rob a drunk girl continues to bump into me and declares she feels her personal space violated. The bar is jammed packed and her boyfriend is desperately trying to drag her out. Everyone starts laughing as she declares a couple more ridiculous things include a titanic conspiracy theory.

Rob arrives and orders me a Jameson shot for being late. I really didn’t mind anyway but what the hell. Rob and I decide to discuss travel plans for the upcoming year including a Montreal road trip, a trip to West Palm for spring training, and the impending Vegas/Japan Agent XI birthday trip. Rob starts talking to Michigan State fans. We all get a Tullamore Dew shot from the bartender who is feeling bad for the Michigan St. fans as it looks like Leach locked their team in a closet.

After the sad Spartans move on a new group of girls are lured in by Rob. Rob notes I am a little sullen and I explain that I am a bit emotionally drained from David Tennant’s last episode as Doctor Who. Yes Virgina, nerds do exist. I finish up my pitcher and receive a Code Blue from Justin my kindly barkeep. It is supposedly some sort of hangover prevention and tastes decent enough. At this point Justin has been a cool guy and I decide now it is time to send out my Africa request. To my infinite amusement, Justin is even more of a fan than I am (that is nearly impossible) and decides to bribe the DJ into “ruining the flow” (Africa never ruins the flow, DJs, never.)

I grab a Guinness and decide to be social with the new group of girls. Angie thinks it is pretty cool I can admit being a nerd not realizing I have very little shame. We get into a discussion of how comic books are unrealistic since girls in comics are not really into the bad boys but in real life they are. Jean Grey stays with Cyclops in real life? No chance.

Before I even order, Justin hands me a second Guinness. He says it is for victory. Then the soothing melody of Africa envelops me. Rob doesn’t know the lyrics as well as Justin, me, and the girls so he walks off. One of the girls asks me to play Naked Photo Hunt with her. She is an expert. I mean I have never seen anyone as good as this. I start humming Pinball Wizard as LJ pounds double nipples and different color pumps. We end up with the 4th highest score. As this is going o,n Rob starts trying to grab me.

At this point we are dealing with a Drunk Point Critical situation. Rob is pretty much at the end of his charming level drunk and has found his last consciously chosen girl for the night. Next drink and he might as well be playing hookup roulette if he is even able to get with anyone. I relent as I find that LJ is pretty one dimensional and that massive Naked Photo Hunt skills simply is not enough to keep my attention that long. I walk over and realize that good ol’ Rob is hitting on a girl that works for one of my clients. This one client is still waiting for some work to be finished. Awesome.

After the awkward discussion and the ninja like escape keeping Rob away from my work life a game of dodge the questions about Rob. I tell Justin it is time I hit the rickety road, sign out my tab. Justin does one more Tullamore Dew with me and I drag Rob outside.

Rob pleads to have one cigarette before we leave which doesn’t bother me in the least besides the freezing cold temperature. That is when I meet Jen N. She is a nursing student from Oregon which makes me laugh because my last girlfriend was a nursing student from Oregon. Jen tells me she was crying the other day after the Ducks blew the Rose Bowl and I murmur at least she doesn’t like Princess Stories.

Jen invites me in and I decide to grab a Cherry Wheat pint while I continue my conversation with Jen. I meet her friends Bald Bob and Kate. They get a huge kick out of the book and Bob and Rob nearly make out as they man flirt with each other. Jen and Kate laugh at this.

At this point, the game of hook up roulette has begun. Jen asks me to play date so her previous suitor, Smelly, would pass her by. Smelly then bounces to the 50 year old women dancing behind us. I mean she was a good looking 50 year old, maybe even 40 but she was old. After this Kate grabs the notebook and Bob, leaving Rob without a dance partner. Rob then bounces to Utah, a cute wasted blonde that was still in college. For no reason at all Rob walks away from the adoring Utah and bounces Smelly off of 50 year old. Smelly dejected bounces to Utah. Utah is pissed that she is losing to a woman double her age. Utah rejects Smelly then bounces to Date Rape. The guy looks like typical douchebag villian from college movies and ends every sentence with “Lets have a shot”. Now Rob decides he doesn’t want 50 year old anymore and walks back to Utah. Date Rape tries to intimidate Rob (hilariously) and Utah splits. In the final move, Date Rape starts buying 50 year old shots. Rob and Smelly cockblocked.

Kate takes over my notebook for the rest of the evening as I finish off my last Guinness of the night

Robs love each other. Everyone names “Rob” will have gang sex w/ each other

“I have a huge vagina” – Tom

Dear Tom,

I like your notebook!

Live long & prosper.

Kate

A guy also gave Kate his number which she wrote in the notebook. Bald Bob stole the notebook became angry upon reading about his homoerotic love for Rob decided to write:

“Jenlfer” w/ Penis (reference to the number)

I (me, the guy that owns this notebook) was futiley futily nilting on Jen instead working oni info for my pilot i should probably know when to quit but sue was very friendly and altomodaxing!

Rob (Asshole)

Another good Journal night.