Jane drops us off in the village and I decide we should to go to Cheapshots. I haven't been there in a bit and somehow Agent XI is wearing a sash and screaming about whores. I decide that a classy establishment such as Cheapshots is good place to be seen with my new screaming beauty queen friend.
When we enter I find something is amiss. The place seems different. I can't put my finger on it but I drag Agent X to the back while Agent XI is still in some semblance of a coherent state. I wanted show him my greatest singular achievement in drinking, my victorious picture after a Truck Bomb. A Truck Bomb easily the manliest drink invented probably by a lumberjack after headbutted a grizzly bear to death. A Truck Bomb is comprised of the same elements of an Irish Car Bomb but enlarged proportions. Basically you fill half a pitcher with Guinness, a 3/4 of a Collin's glass full of Bailey's, and fill the collin's glass until it overflows with Jameson. You then have to do the entire truck bomb in one go. The real trick is not letting the Collin's glass to smash into your face.
After I finish my first truck bomb, I had to do a little dance to allow the foam to rise and took a victory picture with my friend Meg. There it hung on the wall of champions at Cheapshots for years. However tonight, all the pictures of the champions past are gone. I also notice that the bartenders are no longer trustifarian burn outs but girls in tight jean cut outs and corsets. Something is amiss. When I inquire what is wrong with my beloved Cheapshots, Patience, our bartender, informs Agent XI and I that there is new ownership. These owners are in fact the owners of the Patriot.
If class does not matter to you at all, the Patriot would be the finest bar in Manhattan. 5 dollar pitchers and drunk bartenders in corsets are the highlight while the sweet ass country music adds to the amazing atmosphere. This of course leads to the last coherent discussion of the night as Patience hands us a pitcher of Patriot Ale. Are corsets really sexy? Sure they make a girl look good when they are on, but there is a lot untying to do in the back. Or do you just leave it on during sex? Untying is unsexy as far as I am concern. If you can't do it with your teeth, it is too complicated for the bedroom. That is why velcro sneakers are the hottest.
Minka Kelly is a Porn Name, I am sorry for the vomit smell in here. I told my boss about it. - Pateince
When we get handed our second Patriot Ale Pitcher, Boring Jen begins bombarding the clearly intoxicated Agent XI. They have what is probably the most drunk conversation I have ever read and Agent XI takes off to go meet her at home. I finish off the pitcher and begin to take off when Agent XI calls me. Apparently Boring Jen brought a friend with her. I run to Agent XI's to find said friend passed out on the couch and Jen and XI playing video games poorly. I sit down on the couch and pass out.
I wake up around 11 AM to Agent XI walking out of his bedroom with only underwear and the beauty queen sash on. I laugh then realize the pillow I am using is weird. I sit up to find I was using Jen's friend's butt as a pillow. I haven't gathered the girl's name yet and she being used to comfort my head. I gather my belongings and head home where I pass out and sleep though the abortion of a first half the Patriots had. Small gifts friends small gifts
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